The Thirteen Colonies Plus Some Others (TCPSO), often known as the United States of America, is a group of semi-autonomous British colonies located mainly in the central horizontal third of the North American continent. The Crown has graciously allowed the TCPSO to have the illusion of democracy and independence. The country is led by a monarchy-approved leader, the "President", and can set up new daughter colonies as it pleases.
- Note- may also be referred to as "AMERICAN - FUCK YEAH!" depending on region.
History[]
The society of the TCPSO defines itself through the wars in which it has participated (as shown by the American).
Early History[]
The Discovery of America[]
America, or 'The New World' was discovered by the Vikings around 1000 AD. The Vikings realized soon afterwards that they were actually in Canada and got out as fast as possible.
It wasn't until 1492 that Italian explorer Christopher Columbus, on a mission to find a path to the Far East for the Spanish monarchs, discovered America. Sailing on his three ships, the Niña, the Pinta and the Millennium Falcon, Columbus landed on the Caribbean Islands, but believed he was actually in India. Because of this, Columbus named the natives he found on the islands to be 'quelli dispari persone in cerca nudo', though the term 'Indians' quickly became more popular.
Columbus' Voyage (Artist's Depiction)
Columbus came back and told everybody about his wonderful discovery, and Europeans started spending millions on reaching the New World to get lots of land, and thus, money.
The French soon reached the Gulf Coast to form a massive group of colonies collectively called Louisiana that stretched thousands of miles up the center of the continent, plus most of the eastern part of what is now Canada. The Portuguese colonized what is now Brazil and a few surrounding areas. The English tried to set up one colony off the coast of modern-day North Carolina and it failed miserably. Three times. And the Spanish basically had everything else (present-day Mexico, the Caribbean Islands, Central America, and huge portions of the South American continent).
Eventually, England managed to found a small colony called Jamestown. From there, they bought claims to the eastern coast of North America from Florida to French Canada. Soon, there were colonies popping up all over the place, and England was on its way to a powerful American empire that was about a tenth of the size of other European holdings in America.
War of "Independence"[]
After a bit, the colonists got a bit disgruntled about some small little thing. There were a few little scuffles and some kind of incident involving tea and Boston Harbor, but England soon had things under control. Not wanting the colonies to get all sulky, the monarchy decided to let the colonies have the illusion of freedom. They drew up some papers called 'The Declaration of Independence' and 'the Constitution', made up a ridiculous story about American victory at Yorktown, and invented a lovely cast of characters with goofy names such as George Washington, Nathaniel Greene, and Benedict Arnold, and distributed the story throughout the colonies. Despite no one ever having heard of these people or events before that moment, the colonists ate it up and the fantasy made up by a few creative Brits became accepted as actual fact & history in the colonies, and that was the end of that.
The TCPSO in the 1800s[]
The War of 1812[]
The what? Hmm? Nope, never heard of it. Basically the Americans got a bit shirty with Canada, the generous, plucky and honourable Brits sorted it out, then they couldn't be bothered anymore. Moving on, now.
This didn't happen.
The [First] Civil War[]
After the war of 1812 After a fairly uneventful start to the century, the colonies had an exciting time of expansion. In 1803, the French sold all of Louisiana; in 1819, the Spanish gave up Florida; in 1823, Russia gave 3/4 of its total land to the colonies, but soon realized their mistake and took it back; in 1845, Mexico gave up what is now Texas, though they only did so after being shot at a lot; in 1846, the colonies acquired the American Northwest; and in 1848, the rest of the modern day Thirteen Colonies Plus Some Others was bought- the land was complete.
In 1865, slavery became a bit of an issue and the Civil War started. The Northern Colonies fought the Southern Colonies, which had decided they weren't friends with the North and tried to make their own country. After years of bloody conflict the North and South decided to resolve the conflict with a coin toss, and the North won 3-2 (best of 5 obviously) and the Colonies returned to the previous situation minus the slaves (which was decided after a game of rock-paper-scissor).
For the rest of the 19th century, the TCPSO spent most of their time Industrial Revolutionizing and isolating themselves. No, really. The US was actually pretty introverted for a while. Nope, no world politics or anything. What do you mean, 'yeah, right'? It's true! Honestly! Seriously, look it up! Almost no one outside their boarders realized they were even there for a half century or so. But don’t worry; there was plenty of killing going on… mostly against the natives and immigrants.
The TCPSO in the 1900s[]
World War I[]
In 1914, the Big Violent Smash-Up With A Lot of Countries Pissing Each Other Off ("World War I") started. Staying isolated, the TCPSO refused to get involved until England told it that if it didn't, Mexico would somehow grow an army and invade. So the Oberleutnants of TCPSO sent their wealthiest and least popular football team, the New Brighton Soulless-Economists to simultaneously charge a French wine bar, and a 10% interest rate on wartime loans. Thereby valiantly saving the civilised world from the influence of German sausage.
The [Second] Civil War[]
In the 1920s, there was the Great Depression. A lot of money got lost because the Americans were extremely idiotic with their economy. The manifestation of this depression was the second, less publicized, civil war fought between a coalition of corporations (lead by the railroad, oil, and steel companies) against the velocipede riding hobo hoards. So terrible were the epic battles waged across the Midwestern plains, that the populace purged the conflict from their collective memories and devised the story of vast dust storms and drought to explain the damage to the countryside. But it was the wheelchaired FDR who coined the phrase "we have nothing to fear but fear itself", which got the economy back to normal. Also in the '20s, women got to vote. This is supposedly a big deal, but none of us can think of any way to expand on it, so it must not be important. Let's move on to a more interesting topic:
THE War[]
The next Big Smash-Up With A Lot of Countries Pissing Each Other Off ("World War II") was the sequel to the first Big Smash-Up With A Lot of Countries Pissing Each Other Off. Europe decided that the first one was so much fun that they would have another, letting Japan in on the action this time. In Europe, the forces of Silly Names were led by the Nazis and Adolf Hitler, with the help of Josef Stalin of the USSR, Benito Mussolini of Italy, and Hideki Tojo of Japan.
Early advertisement for World War II.
The Alliance of Silly Named Dictators ("Axis") decided that Josef Stalin wasn't up to silliness standards and kicked him out. Pissed off by this, Stalin threw his entire army at the Axis, keeping them busy throughout the entire war.
Japan was so giddy about finally being able to join in on a war with the European countries that it wet itself ("bombed Pearl Harbor"). The Colonies sent a lot of ships out to get the Japanese back, which started taking a while, so they went to do war stuff with the European countries.
This included the invasion and occupation of Italy, which was under the ruthless regime of the silliest name in the Axis, Benito Mussolini. Italy got taken over, and the Colonies went to Britain to talk strategy.
Meanwhile, the Colonies and Japan were fighting tooth and nail in the Pacific Islands, Japan to land on American soil and stage a mass invasion, crippling the Allied war effort, and America to see if the Japanese really eat sushi or just sell it to Americans to see if they'll actually believe its food.
In 1944, the talking was over and the Allied forces staged a massive invasion of France, known as D-Day, in which thousands of brave soldiers including Tom Hanks and Matt Damon lost their lives to gain a foothold on the French countryside. Upon gaining this foothold and carrying out a siege on Cherbourg for six days, the Allies realized that France was actually on their side, and their invasion of the country had been useless. After pondering the dilemma, they decided to make lemonade from lemons and go to Germany and make Hitler surrender.
To make a long story short, it worked. America was so excited at European victory that it outdid Japan and actually soiled itself ("dropped two atomic bombs on countless civilians"). The war was over.
And before you start complaining that we've made up large segments of this narrative... keep it ot yourselves. We didn't fight the war, so that you can tell us we're lying!
The Cold War[]
Not to be confused with the Hot War, the Nippy War, or the Lukewarm War, the Cold War was a conflict between the colonies and the Soviet Union that lasted from 132 BC to 1989 AD, though things didn't really get cracking until 1953. After World War II, the winning countries were having a celebratory booze-up while the losing countries sat in the corner and sulked. Seeing this as an opportunity, the Soviet Union quietly slipped most of Eastern Europe into its pocket and snuck it out of the party. By the time all the other countries were sober enough to notice, the USSSSR (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals), led by Joey Stalin, had protected and isolated itself from all other countries.
This isolation was deemed an "Iron Curtain" by Winston Churchill, so named due to the giant, steel alloy-composed drapery stretching across Russia's borders for over 500 miles. The USA was a bit put off by this, and started to build things to wipe the Soviets off the face of the Earth. The Soviets didn't take this too well and decided to start building even bigger things to blow the Colonies off the face of the Earth, and thus the whole mess got started. Imagine a playground "my dad can beat up your dad" fight between 7-year olds, only with the potential for nuclear holocaust.
After a bit, Joey Stalin died and was replaced with Nikita "Giggles" Khrushchev. Khrushchev was famous for his wacky antics and misinterpretation of innocent gestures. During a UN conference, Nikita saw a mosquito in front of him on the table, and fearing the spread of malaria to world leaders, decided to kill it. With no other suitable swatter around, Khrushchev removed his shoe and hit the mosquito several times with it. This was seen as a rude interruption to the Philippine delegate, and Khrushchev was looked down upon from that day forth. He also asked Western diplomats if they would like some hot chocolate and muffins at the Polish embassy, but due to an incompetent translator, this was interpreted to mean "we will bury you."
The two major struggles in the Cold War were the Arms Race and the Space Race. The Arms race, despite its amusing/grotesque choice of words, actually refers to nuclear arms. First, the US decided to build the nuclear bomb and drop it on Japan. The USSSSR, in a wacky twist of fate, stole the plans to the bomb, then built their own. The Colonies, refusing to be one-upped, then built a hydrogen bomb, which was even more radioactive and deadly and had a larger blast radius. Russia came out with its own within days. After the two countries had exhausted their ideas for apocalyptic death weapons, they decided they needed better ways to carry them. The Soviets glued the nukes to missiles, but then realized that they were too far away to actually hit the TCPSO. The Colonies developed the U2 spy plane, developed by Bono, but it became lost on the way to bomb Russia. The pilot radioed in that "I still haven't found what I'm looking for!" in frustration, then ran out of fuel and crashed before reaching base.
The Space Race was a pitched struggle between the countries to advance their astronautical technology beyond the other. In 1961, President John F. Kennedy swore the by the end of the decade, the country would land a man on New Zealand. After being informed that they had already done that, Kennedy decided the moon was a good alternative. Russia had launched their first satellite, Sputnik (literally, "the noise the official namer made when kicked in the groin after asked what the satellite should be named"), and the Colonies were desperate to catch up. They didn't. American attempts were incredibly pathetic, like watching that one mentally disabled kid on the track team race against the all-state champion in a race. The Russians rolled out with record after record, which the Americans matched in a less-than-spectacular fashion months later.
Then, in 1969, three astronauts named Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and the Guy Nobody Remembers Because He Was a Pussy and Stayed in the Ship, made history. They pissed off NASA staff. The three had been pains in the neck for months, and Mission Control decided to put them in a capsule and launch them into the path of a meteor, while telling them that they were "going to the moon". Due to the fact that NASA control were complete idiots who had been screwing up the missions since the beginning (the first satellite was held together with Dubble Bubble), so by a weird twist of fate, the astronauts actually did land on the moon. Neil Armstrong stepped out first, uttering the historic words that have become synonymous with intrepidness and exploration today: "Um, guys, my butt itches really bad. I think some pinworms may have gotten onto the ship." This phrase is sometimes misquoted as "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" or "Play it again, Sam."
During the 70s and 80s, the war became less of a war than a heated squabble. Then in 1989, the Berlin Wall, an extremely significant symbol of oppression and communism that should have been mentioned earlier, was torn down. The pieces were shipped to museums, except for the ones that were packed into the Special Edition of World In Conflict, proving that it is possible to commercialize mass human progress towards a greater good. Two years later, Eastern Europe separated from the USSSSR to rule themselves, be free, and live in their current glorious state of being poor as dirt and constantly trying to kill each other. The Cold War was over.
The 1960's: Sex, Drugs, and Civil Rights[]
Undoubtedly the most significant development for the colonies, and indeed the world, occurred in the 1960s: the popularization of LSD. Wait, no, civil rights. We definitely mean civil rights.
Black people had been held down and maligned for centuries, but in the 60's, they decided not to take it. Led by Dr. Mr. Captain Martin Luther King, Jr. Ph.D, Laureate, Valedictorian, Triumvirate, With Honors; the Civil Rights movement aimed to gain equality for African Americans and eliminate racism. One out of two isn't bad. With aid from dedicated heroes such as Rosa Parks, Thurgood Marshall, the sit-in students of Greensboro, NC's A&T University, James Farmer, and Whitney young, black people could finally vote and hold a true position in society. Taking up this mantle of opportunity given to them by their proud forefathers, we have been graced with such inspiring visionaries such as Soulja Boy and Reverend Wright.
In pop culture, rock and roll had started. Bands such as the Beatles, the Who, the Rolling Stones, the Kinks, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, the Grateful Dead, and Creedence Clearwater Revival, among others, had started a cultural revolution based on two things: world peace and drugs. Throughout the sixties, America's musical identity unfolded and morphed in waves of brilliant sound and criminally insane clothing. This passionate orgy of youth and music climaxed in a cultural orgasm at the Woodstock Festival of 1969, a three day festival of peace, love, and syphilis. Then Mick Jagger tried to do it again and a bunch of people died, screwing over the Summer of Love. Thanks a lot, Mick.
Excelsior (Except Not)[]
From there, the nation lost its innocence. And sanity. In 1972, Richard "Frankenstein" Nixon decided fair play was too boring and decided to send a group of espionage agents to bug the Democratic National Committee headquarters at the Watergate hotel. Thanks to Forrest Gump, though, the agents were caught and Nixon was put on trial. In a famous 1963 speech, he vehemently told the outraged nation that "I'm not a crook!" and that was the end of that. Just kidding, Nixon resigned under the pressure of the nation's collective torches and pitchforks (both figuratively and literally), thus sending the nation into a downwards spiral of steadily worse presidents.
First there was the one who outlawed murder of foreign officials by the CIA (you say that's not a big deal? Three words: War. On. Terror.). Then there was the one who claimed to have been attacked by a giant swimming rabbit. Then there was the old fart who acted in a movie with a chimpanzee named 'Bonzo'. Then there was the creepy pervert who nailed his secretary in the Oval Office (the stains remain to this day). Then we had Bush. Need we say any more?
The Colonies are now currently poised to take a giant step forward into the future (off a cliff) with the election of either John McCain or Barack Obama as president. Along with the debates, the candidates will compete in a Taipei Deathmatch on November 1st.
Fun Facts About the Colonies[]
Fuck you Chris