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The Wet Ones.

After witnessing the murder of his mother by a mermaid, half-vampire half-accountant Count Bloodmaths of Sesame makes a deal to sedate his need for vengeance. He’ll catch the mermaid who did the deed but he’ll pay for it with his crown.

Millie, wet princess of Atlantis has never known the true cruelty of the forbidden drylands firsthand but she will soon when she is captured by Bloodmaths the halfling prince with murder in his eyes and the sea’s accounts in his blood. She knows he will make sure of that but he finds his moist prisoner too appealing to fully torture and decides to extract information with his penis.

His honour knows he should kill her—[Tom laughs] but his heart and penis disagree—a statistic of two-thirds that leaves him torn between vengeance and the need to bang. The rules of the land and sea are changing, secrets of the past are spilling, and spreadsheets are getting out of control, and all because of a vampire count and his little mermaid. Whether they live or die, nothing in the realm will ever be the same.

That’s out now from D’Ancey LaGuarde. Available at all airport bookshops and some newsagents.

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