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The Piercing Falcon[]

"The Piercing Falcon" is a medieval romance thriller with a supernatural twist. Set in the world of Chaucer’s Pilgrim’s Progress, this steamy sex fest gets right under the kirtle of a medieval England, where sprites and bogarts frolic alongside dark medieval sex vampires. Garwin is the bastard stepson of a fae earl, a race known for their skills in magic, music, deduction and seduction. They control all human access to detectives. The fae court rarely enter the realms of humans but when they do they find work as magical detectives who can only be paid in sex. Garwin, a strange—

[Tom laughs] Tom: Hang on, sorry, I’m lost. What do the sex vampires do? They get paid in sex?  

Alice: Yeah, for doing detective work. They’re sex-tectives. 

Tom: But they’re vampires as well? 

Alice: Sex vampires.

Tom: They’re sex vampires who work as detectives and get paid in sex. 

Alice: Yep. That’s it.

Tom: Ok.

Garwin— [Tom interrupts]

Alice: We-we’re introducing our protagonist now.

Garwin, estranged from his fae stepfather and exiled from the land of the fae by the nasty curse of a hedge-witch ex-lover. He must roam the world as a slutty errant minstrel detective, atoning for the skills of his past and banging ladies regularly. Bit none of them touch his heart. He spends his days in deduction and song and his nights wrestling with darker fae passions: his passion for sex. Until he breaks the curse [Tom and Alice laugh] he cannot take his place in the court of the fae but must spend his life in the human realm as a half-musician half-magician solving crimes and doing spells while maintaining a career in the arts. He can only break the curse by finding true love... but true love is the only crime he can’t solve. 

Tom: What? [Alice giggles]

 Gundred is the tone-deaf fourteen-year old widow of an ageing count. Purchased from her parents [Tom: Jesus...] as the count’s fifth bride, she is married and immediately widowed as she finds her husband promptly murdered by magic on their wedding night, leaving her virginal, wealthy, under suspicion of witchcraft and wondering how to solve a murder.

 When Gundred sounds to good king Ethelred for help in solving the mysterious murder of her aged husband he sends Garwin, whose price for helping her is a single chaste kiss; a kiss that sparks flames deep in her fourteen-year-old-widow’s heart. Even though Gundred is totally tone deaf and immune to his fae sex magic, a spark flames between her and the magical detective minstrel. But while the morals of the period would have found it perfectly acceptable, Garwin instinctively knows that she’s too young for his sexy fae magic penis. [Alice giggles. Tom laughs.] He promises to serve faithfully as her knight and long-distance-mentor and they exchange passionate letters via carrier pigeon as he travels from village to castle swapping songs and law enforcement for sex and different kinds of sex-related stuff— [Tom groans]

Tom: Alright, this is some horny lockdown shit... 

[In a higher voice] Ten years later,— [Alice tries to get a grip] Ten years later, a supernatural crime at a masquerade ball means the two must work together,— 

Tom: What is this ad for this book?! [Alice laughs] Why would I buy the book after hearing this? I know everything in the book! [Alice, again, tries to get a grip]

The two must work together to solve another crime of dark magic and darker passion and restore a priceless heirloom to Garwin’s estranged stepfather the fae earl while also fighting their rising desire to consummate their dormant connection ... by having sex! 

Tom: Of course! 

Gundred is all grown-up and has desires that Garwin can feel in his fae bones - one bone in particular. [Alice giggles] [Tom: Oh lord...] His honour demands chaste service towards his sworn lady but Gundred and his penis demand more. Will these two medieval lovers untangle their crossed stars? Will Garwin open his heart as well as his pants to cure his curse? Will the hedge witch finally get her comeuppance? Will Garwin’s stepfather’s new wife accept the tone-deaf Gundred as her new step-stepdaughter-in-law at the musical court of the sexy fae? 

Find out with "The Piercing Falcon". Available only in full scroll vellum manuscript and from all airport bookstores. 

Tom: Jesus Christ... you know, sometimes less is more. That’s a writing lesson I’ve heard. 

[Alice giggles]

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