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Rita frolova

Rita Fucking Frolova

Rita "Fucking" Frolova - born 32nd Zaltember, 1808, is a three times Raspberry Dessert Enthusiast of the Year winner, also well-known for allergy to oxygen, and her not actually existing.

Early Life[]

Frolova was born into poverty, her Father played double bass in the under-loved and under-acheiving Russian skiffle group The Lousy Lenins who mostly played in underground skiffle clubs in Moscow following the outlaw of all music 15 years earlier under the rule of Emperor Ivan. Frolova's mother was a former gypsy who had run away to join the circus, before realising all people in circuses are gypsies and going back to being a real gypsy.

On her eighth birthday Frolova's parents realised they no longer cared about her and left her on the steps of the Russian presidential palace where the new Overlord of all of Mother Russia, and then only two time winner of sexiest despot of the year, Vladimir Putin took her in and trained her in the ancient art of arse bubble-gum blowing, a sport in which Frolova flourished in her later years.

However, life in the palace was not enough for Frolova, but her attempts of escape were always halted by her oxygen allergy-whilst in the palace Frolova lived in a special room with a holy Carbon Nitrate atmosphere- and she was often carried back into the palace on a special stretcher.

On her 16th birthday Frolova was married to the Kenyan 3000m Steeplechase runner Morning Boner who later went on to win a bronze medal at the 1982 Olympics. The marriage began as a happy one as they regularly got up to floinkadoink three times in a morning and this led to them being named as Russia's most fucking couple, taking the title away from serial shaggers Olga and Mirko Kolyenskabskya, who reputedly fucked at least fourty times a day.

The Fez of Destiny[]

Frolova finally escaped her life in the palace via unusual means. One day a suspicious looking Jew baring a startling resemblance to Art Garfunkle visited Frolova in her room. He promised Frolova that he would cure her of her Oxygen allergy if she would perform one task for him. This task was to steal the fez of destiny, a hat which gave the owner un-paralleled powers of punning. Frolova agreed and set out to find the fez after the Jew had cured her using his magic badonkadonk. After many years of searching Frolova found the fez and stole it from the head of it's current possessor, Tommy Cooper, who died instantly. Frolova then went and gave the fez to the mysterious Jew, who then dissapeared. His whereabouts and the whereabouts of the fez are still unknown but it is believed he is using the powers of the hat to deliver entertainment as opposed to using them for evil.

Present Day[]

Rita "Fucking" Frolova is currently in a relationship with Mustapha "Kiddy Fiddler" Bakri, her BDSM slave, with whom she enjoys long strap-on sessions and scat fetishism sans safe words. She has no children with Mustapha "Kiddy Fiddler" Bakri, a convicted paedophile and known congresser of domesticable animals, but the two own and operate a small puppy mill and a crystal methamphetamine lab which Mustapha bankrolls using the money he scams from affiliate fraud and phsihing schemes on Facebook.

The Vietcong Years[]

Contrary to popular belief, Rita Frolova was not a member of the Vietcong. The title of her autobiography, The Vietcong Years, actually spawns from the tale in the first chapter about a celebrity party held by Frolova in her Sudanese mansion. Frolova invited many household names from both the celebrity and fictional world to celebrate the twentieth anniversary of her discovery of the six uses of the loofah, and had booked American pop singer Bobby Vee to perform. Frolova hadn't realised that at the time, Vee was on a purely live meat diet, and thus lunged for the first non-human guest he could see, a veteran screen Gorilla. "Oh no", screamed the partygoers, "Vee ate Kong". "Vietcong, what are they doing here?" joked Frolova in Russian, misjudging the levity of the situation. Subsequently, the giant ape was put down after 30% of his body mass had been consumed by the ravenous Vee, who later lifted the mood by leading the guests in a rendition of his 1961 hit "Take Good Care of My Baby". As King Kong doesn't actually exist, they all laughed off the shared subconscious experience as The Vietcong Years, providing material for hundreds of dinner party anecdotes for years to come.

Head Chef at "The Snulk"[]

Frolova spent most of the 1970s developing her own style of cuisine, working initially under such well-known chefs as Waldorf K. Blossenthrop and Sinjen St. John on the east coast of Switzerland. While at Blossenthrop's Emmy Award winning restaurant "Pilch" she created her most famous dessert, Toffeed Calamari on a bed of Fried Water. Her daring approach to unnecessary cuisines was spotted by famed restaurateur, Hamish McDaft who offered her her own kitchen. After a few years of her working there McDaft decided to add seating and a till, thus allowing customers. The restaurant, McDaft's, failed almost immediately upon customers not appreciating the finer points of dishes such as Pickled Hobnobs and Ju-Jitsu Salmon.

Undeterred, Frolova spent months cooking around Russia in her food van serving Communist Cake (uncooked cake mixture made of water and dirt) to the hungry masses. Whilst in the city of Krstsk she decided to settle down and open the restaurant she had always dreamed of, and named it after her favourite Jewish country and western star, Hannibal O. Snulk. A typical four-course menu consisted of:

Grilled Haddock-infused Breadcrumbs

Gingered Lobster [lobster that had been teased mercilessly at school for being a bit different]

Candied Chicken Gut

Luke-warm Spiced Snakeblood

Snulk opened to rave-reviews from Snulk himself, known to be a fan of sugary entrails, as well as from F'knurssnunce, King of the Snails, who ate there regularly, often having his spiced snakeblood at the bar with a side of turnip crackers. Snulk was operational for three years before it was eventually bought by Snulk's ex-wife, Ivana Snulk-Bilowitz-al-Rajheed, and turned into a luxury Snot Parlour.

Relevance of Second Anus to Society[]

It is quite commonly known that Frolova has a second anus to deal with the pure amount of Bullshit that must be processed every day. Her second anus is by all accounts quite an inspirational orifice, having spurred some of history's greatest organisms to the zenith of achievement. Here is a collection of testimonials that can be found on the back of Rita's Lottery Tickets ("It's a Frolova!"):

  • Florence Nightingale - "Rita's second anus is what made me interested in the grotesque squelchfest that is the human body. Thanks Rita. Thita."
  • Eddie Murphy - "Dammmmnnnnnnn that ass and that ass"
  • Joan Collins - "I just loved it, darlings. You see, I was there, in the 60s, right when everyone was getting their anuses out. William Shatner, the gorgeous George Harrison, Twiggy, we were just all at it. And then, there she was, you know, this Russian Bullshitter, who turned round, bent over and there it was, you know, this superb second anus complete with phish hook. Well, needless to say Margaret, that's to say Princess Margaret, was utterly unflustered and I thought well, if Royalty can do it why can't I? So from that moment on I decided it would be absolutely darling of me to never be shocked by an anus again, which is how I ended up in Dynasty"
  • Cheng Peng Wang, Chinese Taipei Archer - "Don't laugh, not funny name. Inclusion in list irrelevant."
  • Queen Victoria - "What a fucking hilarious sight. Oh man, I thought it was her cunt and then WOAH! No way man, there's a third hole! Who'd a fucking believed it? Had to be a fucking Russian, of course, Ruskie Cunts, but still, gave Bertie somewhere to stick his candles when it wasn't Christmas, dirty bugger."

Anti-Carbonara Movement[]

Frolova is known to hate cars and originally joined this movement under the impression it was the anti-carbaretta movement (which actually had ceased existence in 1973 following it being out-lawed in Pakistan- where Frolova was then living in exile- by immortal President Inzamam Ul-Haq). Having realised her mistake she attempted to leave the movement but having already given the blood oath, which involves pouring a pint of your own blood into a bolognese sauce which you then must consume over a plate of spaghetti, she was not allowed to leave. In later life- and following a passionate relationship with the ACM founder and future Bugle producer Tom Wright- she became a strong advocate for the group. As of 2045 Frolova was still a member of the group, but it's power had substantially weakened following the death of Wright who may have been poisoned by Frolova in an act of spite.

Stealing Andy's Bin[]

Rita Frolova probably had nothing to do with stealing Andy's bin, as that happened in a Bugle long before she attempted her TimePhish (see below) during her Bugle Crusade. That said, there is no physical proof that Frolova did NOT steal Andy's bin, only circumstantial rumour that she was in Russia at the time. There is a slight possibility that on her way back from poisoning Aleksander Litvinenko (woops, gave that one away) she decided to steal a bin in which to hide her face from her crimes, matching, as it does, the bin in her passport picture.

World Record Attempts[]

In June 2065 Frolova attempted the world's first TimePhish in an attempt to alter the course of history. By the year 2030 The Bugle had finally reached it's target audience of 7 billion listeners, most of them human. With this complete global dominance of the podcasting industry, there was for the first time in human history more bullshit being spoken than actual facts (although this trend had been started by Italian politicians as early as Roman times). This led to a complete breakdown of Grand Leader Vladimir's power in the United Putin States of Russia, the only country which up til then had not been affected by high levels of bullshit as the Royal Putin Guard kept shooting anyone who lied loud enough.

As Putin was overthrown during Buglestroika in 2031 a small splinter group known as the Truthists fled to Vietnam where they began analysing how the Bullshit began. Realising that there was no way to stop the Bullshit in the present, particularly with Empress Zaltzman and Arch-Duke Oliver ruling the global airwaves, they decided that the only way to halt the one-way express train to Cowcrappington-On-Sea was to stop The Bugle in the past...

It took more than 30 years for Frolova and her followers (or Frollovas) to devise a device that would post to Facebook pages long past. This was the sum achievement of thirty years of work. That was it. Slowly the number of Truthists dwindled after a rumour circulated that Florence Nightingale had been resurrected for Fuck You Chris' birthday party. This was, of course, Bullshit, but had so decimated the Truthist ranks that only Frolova and her no-eyed penis snake remained. The time had come to set in motion all their years of planning.

Frolova's message was directed at The Bugle's Facebook fan group, where significant amounts of copycat Bullshitting, or "kitten-dumping", was taking place. Frolova had identified that it was through these enthusiasts that the Bullshit was beginning to spread, and so tried to veer them off the course of their future by dangling the tempting carrot of in front of their carrot-obsessed eyes. The idea of was, of course, Bullshit, which set Frolova on the path to even more Bullshitting - once you pop, you literally can't stop. Thus, the last person on Earth committed to the truth began telling lies, ensuring the global, inter-global, and pan-Universal dominance of The Bugle for eons to come.

Also, in 2010 Frolova tried to be the first woman to shoot a snail off a child's head using a laser-guided water pistol. She failed, and was imprisoned for ten years for threatening the life of F'knurssnunce, the King of All the Snails.

Notable Discoveries[]

Frolova has been credited with several notable discoveries, some scientific and some merely for pleasure. Here are a sample of her discoveries that were featured in a recent episode of the noted documentary series, Police Camera Action:

  • The Six Uses of the Loofah - Frolova first published the six known uses of the Loofah in a late addition to the King F'knurssnunce Bible (Appendix 2 "God and the Loofah"). In addition to the three common uses of the Loofah (bathing, masturbation and makeshift cricket bat), she added "bread alternative, kidney scratcher, and child's building block".
  • Frolova was the first woman to utilise Rasperry Desserts as a sexual stimulator. Her love of that particular delicacy led to her being awarded Raspberry Dessert Enthusiast of the Year three times in a row, earning her the moniker Frolova Pavlova Lover in the Tabloid Pudding Press.
  • Due to a mix-up at the hospital after giving birth Frolova did not leave with her baby, who had been named Coolio, but instead with a half-eaten tapioca pudding. It was only after Coolio mentioned the incident in an interview after his hit song Rapper's Paradise was released that Frolova realised the mistake, and ate the tapioca pudding out of anger. The pudding was livid, as it had just received a 2.1 degree from the University of Plymouth and was about to take a gap year to Bhutan. Oh, this led to Frolova's discovery that tapioca pudding isn't as great as everyone says.
  • Frolova pioneered the sport of Amooray, where participants attempt to headbutt the man in the moon. Every successful headbutt is rewarded with a PP point, or Pizza Pie, if the contact area is in the eye, the most difficult part of the head with which to butt. Other early Amooray enthusiasts included Joan of Arc, King F'knurssnunce and Dean Martin, who went on to immortalise the sport in his hit song "That's Amooray", which had the opening lyrics "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's Amooray".
  • Frolova is often falsely credited with the invention of the dildo, which was infact invented by Florence NIghtingale as a way of defibrelating pations in Gallipolli. However Frolova did discover that a dildo can be used instead of a whisk when making meringue and in fact creates far superior peaks than you would get using conventional methods.