The Bugle Wiki

Such was the response by Buglers to fill the Andy Zaltzman Memorial Misinformation Page with lies that the list became so large that it has become necessary to split up the entries into categories. This is not simply because the page became too big for some individuals to properly edit or view, but also because it would eventually get to the point where those people who foolishly try to read the whole list in one sitting would find their heads melting, Raiders of the Lost Ark style. (This has been independently verified to be true by experts).

The following is the list contains all of the lies from the main page that deals with The Bugle, Bugling, and other forms of Bugleness. Please continue to add to it, if you feel so inclined.

  • The last Times (grudgingly) supported Bugle podcast was sent out on Friday, December 16th, 2011, UK Time. Which happened to be Saturday, December 17th, North Korea Time. Yeah, that's right. Kim Jong Il died of a broken heart!!!! However, when the Bugle resumes podcastery, Kim Jong Il shall rise from the dead, and all of North Korea will joyfully acclaim John Oliver as Shingihan Jidoja,and Andy Zaltzman as the Gwengjanghan Bal Jin. Effigies (the non-burning kind) will be placed at the entrance of the main square, and Zaltzman's North Korean Pun Run will be recited in schools daily.
  • The Bugle all takes place inside a coyote's head.
  • If you choose at your own risk to play two issues of the Bugle simultaneously in the same house, the house is likely to implode, leaving behind a silhouette of Florence Nightingale burned eternally into the ground where the house has once stood. To remind and warn unsuspecting buglers around the world of the consequences of bullshit.
  • Kevin Burlchuck is the host of The Bugle podcast, along with noted amateur endoscopist Andy Zaltzman and fishmonger (third-class) John Oliver. Burlchuck graduated in broadcasting from Omsk State Technical University and got his start in news-based entertainment with his 1983 parody song “Margaret Thatcher (Won’t Point My Cock Atcha)”, a cultural explosion in Siberia but a flop everywhere else. He became acquainted with his two fellow Bugletons during a copyright infringement lawsuit involving the popular girl-band Cleopatra, who had lifted parts of his song for their own smash hit "Cleopatra (Comin' Atcha)". Despite being the plaintiff Burlchuck was found guilty and sentenced to three months in HMP Cookham Wood. Zaltzman and Oliver, who frequent prisons to offer a friendly shoulder (or more) to in-mates, found they had much in common with him and they decided to share their views with the world. Due to scheduling conflicts he has been unable to contribute to any of the shows outside of a catering capacity.
  • The Bugle was originally designed as an in depth look at the world of fishing the deadly Alaskan waters for the deadliest catch of them all, the Alaskan king crab. However that show already existed and was called Deadliest Catch. The Bugle has never really recovered.
  • When asked his opinions on possible ways out of the current global recession by Jeremy Paxman on the 12/11/2008 edition of BBC's Newsnight, prominent financier and economics guru George Soros simply said "The Bugle." Paxman then beat him to death with a water glass, being much more of a fan of Collings and Herrin.
  • The Bugle's Facebook fan group is home to some of the Anglophone world's most electric sexual tension owing to the presence of someone with the username lamplady1856. However, this person (Mrs Jennifer Shower-Head of Cramp Street, Strangeways, Manchester) is unaware of the impact of their internet monicker on the group as she originally joined in the mistaken belief that it was a web forum for brass band enthusiasts, and who picked the name as a portmonteau of the street she grew up in, the name of her first childhood pet and her favourite prime-adjacent number.
  • The Bugle has achieved 'Cult' status from the Central Intelligence Agency and other Orwellian government beasts that need the truth to be suppressed.
  • Neither John Oliver or Andy Zaltzman have done a single issue of the Bugle. It is an illusion, shared round the world.
  • There is no Andy Zaltzman and there never has been. John Oliver made him up and at the same time IS Andy Zaltzman. (Its from Fight Club, John's not that original, but lets all enjoy his delusions.)
  • The name of the show 'The Bugle' is derived from the ancient Greek patron saint of news, Saint Bugulus who died during the olympic cow juggling contest. Cow juggling being the main choice of media to distribute news, with the complicated patterns of airborne cows being interpreted by news hounds throughout Greece
  • The very existence of the bugle is only the result of an elaborate wager between Oliver & Zaltzman, where the last person left on gets not only the heart of the white hot symbol of love & passion that is Florence Nightingale, but also the last slice of pizza ever to be blessed by pope Jean Paul II (that’s toppings are considered by most gastro-sociological analysts to be that of the modern Hawaiian style). Neither item has been deemed safe for human consumption.
  • The Bugle is based on a format devised by former football and Serbian Celebrity Big Brother winner Sa‰a åurãiç. It was on the pilot episode of The Bugle that åurãiç claimed, '[He] would not sign for another [football] club, not even if [he] was offered 15 million dollars. However, it would be different if they were to instead offer [him] 15 different women from all around the world. [He] would tell the club chairman: 'Please let me make these women happy - I will satisfy them like they have never been satisfied before'.
  • The Bugle, who's title comes from Isaiah 21:8, is known worldwide as the major publication distributed by Jehovah's Witnesses in their door-to-door ministry.
  • "Bugle" is a substance that can only be created by combining John Oliver's spit with Andy Zaltzman's brain fluid.
  • Scientists have recently discovered a new amino acid called Bugline. This particular amino acid causes misfolding of proteins in the brain, and results in sufferers hallucinating that they listen to a hilarious podcast every Monday, which features two entirely fictional British comedians.
  • If you were to liquefy the bugle then heat it up over a Bunsen burner for an extended period of time, you will have made crack. I hope you’re proud of yourself, you disgust me.
  • The Bugle has never been recorded live from the Bronx Zoo due to the fact that John Oliver has a mortal fear of both artificial jungle environments and meerkats. Andy Zaltzman on the other hand finds meerkats to be pleasant, even affable creatures and once attempted a comedy gig at the Herbivores of the African Savannah enclosure of the London Zoo, only to be stampeded and wounded in the left kneecap and spleen by two irate Impalas.
  • The Bugle was nearly pulled off air in 1786 after it was found to induce osmosis in miners.
  • The Bugle has an alcohol content of 8.7%.
  • Every edition of The Bugle (excluding issues 6 and 21A) is exactly 11 minutes long, though it always shows up in iTunes as 12 minutes long. A major bone of contention that is often discussed in the audio segment "eleven or twelve?"
  • It is no coincidence that John & Andy work together on the bugle: when the words 'John', 'Andy' and 'Bugle' are encrypted into the Mayan numeric system they represent the day, month and year of the end of the universe (23rd September 2008). This date is the most sacred to the Mayan people celebrating the return of the beast of creation who will consume the universe in a ball of raging satire.
  • The Bugle suffers from Zollinger-Ellison Syndrome, a rare disease that causes pancreatic tumours.
  • The Bugle is an anagram of Billy Crystal.
  • The Bugle has been named as the 21st century’s answer to the bible by Pope Benedict the sixteenth* The Bugle is now banned in Ireland after making fun of the Catholic Church
  • The show was almost ended in February 2006 when Andy and John had a argument over a cock meat sandwich. They attempted to end the show and part different ways but when they presented this to The Times they discovered that the original contracts they signed when they started the show legally binds their friendship and made either of them leaving the show impossible. But to this day it's been said you can heard the resentment in both Andy and John's voices
  • In March 2008 The Bugle became the first podcast to feature live open-heart surgery
  • The Bugle, contrary to popular belief, is not a weekly news podcast; it is two trained books-on-tape voice actors dictating prophetic works written in Ancient Samaria circa 3,000 BC that have predicted modern week-to-week news with stunning accuracy and relevant witticism.
  • Hotties from the Future was a weekly segment in Florence Nightingale's 1853 Crimean War podcast. The only stipulation was the nominees must not have been born yet. John Oliver was voted Mr. February, a fact that makes Andy jealous to this day.
  • Listening to the bugle during sex is illegal in every country on Earth except from Moldova due to the possibility of ecstasy related head explosion syndrome. Moldova has seen this as a useful solution to its overpopulation problems.
  • According to The Bugle's 1916 Official Road Guide a trip from the Atlantic to the Pacific on the Lincoln Highway was "something of a sporting proposition" and might take 20 to 30 days. The guide offered this sage advice: "Don't wear new shoes."
  • If while listening to the Bugle you shout "BOOM!" Barack Obama

has a mini orgasm.

  • The Bugle is an electric powered vacuum attachment made for cutting hair invented by London carpenter Andy Zaltzman in the late 1980s. The product is touted as being capable of performing "hundreds of precision layered haircuts".
  • Since the launch of the podcast Bugling has become the most popular leisure activity in the UK. In school playgrounds all over the country young children have been crazed by Buglemania and spend every free minute squabbling over whose turn it is to be Andy or John.
  • Bugling will be featured as a new Olympic sport in 2012. Unfortunately, Andy Zaltzman will be unable to attend because of a pressing engagement: the pope intends to take Andy hostage and fry his home planet of Tupper with a laser if he does not disclose the location of John Oliver. Interestingly enough, John expects to spend that same day deep under the surface of the Earth, playing chess-boxing at the secret base of the mole-people.
  • Episode 17 of the bugle can induce vomiting in up to 85% of all Hippos.
  • The Bugle cannot be translated into Dutch.
  • The Bugle is actually recorded live, which proves to be a challenge, because as each episode is downloaded, they have to do the entire thing over again. If two or more people are downloading the podcast at the same time, they must bring in their "helper buglers"
  • If you were to make a scale model of the Bugle, using a pin head to represent the centre, the nearest section would be 100m away.
  • Búgle is the name of a norse dwarf who sold his ears for knowledge, but couldn't hear it.
  • Famous ballerina Jack Badhorns did a 3 night performance in Dunstable in October 2007 based on the first 5 bugles. He controversially omitted any reference to the crypric crossword fearing elephantitis.
  • The Bugle, a 17th century Spanish warship, was the first (and quite possibly last) galleon to be captained by an oyster. Unfortunately, the ship went down with all hands when blown to smithereens by the English ship, The Carpenter; the first (and quite possibly last) ship to be captained by a walrus.
  • All Photos featured on The Bugle web site are taken by Peter Parker

Fuck you Chris