The Bugle Wiki

Such was the response by Buglers to fill the Andy Zaltzman Memorial Misinformation Page with lies that the list became so large that it has become necessary to split up the entries into categories. This is not simply because the page became too big for some individuals to properly edit or view, but also because it would eventually get to the point where those people who foolishly try to read the whole list in one sitting would find their heads melting, Raiders of the Lost Ark style. (This has been independently verified to be true by experts).

The following is the list contains all of the lies from the main page that deals with the other miscellaneous subjects put forth by buglers. Please continue to add to it, if you feel so inclined.

  • The hit pop song "I Want Candy” was originally titled "I Want Andy" but the title had to be revised when Zaltzman got married.
  • John Lennon wrote "I Am the Walrus" shortly after seeing one of Andy and John's gigs in London. The sheer brilliance of the performance simply drove him mad and he wrote the song before returning to sanity. In the song, Andy is the Eggman and John is the Walrus. If you listen to the song with this knowledge, the whole thing makes total sense.
  • Usian Bolt was listening to the Bugle whilst winning the 2008 100m Olympic final.
  • Rumours persist that Andy's lost bin has become the leader of a terroristic impala organisation determined to overthrow Zaltzman from the Bugle and become John Oliver's new co-Bugler.
  • William Howard Taft, the dead president, is a big fan of the Bugle, and has it played endlessly in his grave, though he resents its implication that he has no balls.
  • Andy Murray's loss in the Wimbledon semifinals to Andy Roddick is part of an evil conspiracy between Hugo Chavez, Mahmoud I'm-a-dinner-jacket and the Bin-Impala Confederacy to shame the West's tennis and so cause the downfall of Western civilisation. Sadly, the conspirators failed to notice the 'success' of British tennis, perhaps due to John Oliver launching a new range of alluring lingerie.
  • Carly Simon's famous song "You're So Vain" is about John Oliver.
  • Sir Mixalot's famous song "Baby Got Back" is about Andy Zaltzman.
  • Bill Gates, famous multibillionaire and mob boss, paid for and helped set up the Bugle wikipedia page. He has been friends with John Oliver ever since John rescued him from a sinking battleship (the USS Nightingale) near the Canary Isles on November 14, 1992. Mr. Gates tries to spend at least ten hours a week with John and considers him to be his quasi-British guardian angel.
  • On August 31st, Sarah Palin admitted that the Bugle is her favourite aphrodisiac. She often listens to it while aerial hunting abortion doctors. She also admitted her plans to trade John Oliver with Andy Zaltzman once she is President. (You know what happens when US VPs hunt).
  • Former president Jimmy Carter has been trying to get an interview with John Oliver for two years now. Many times he has spotted Oliver in a crowd and chased after him, only to lose sight of him at the last moment.
  • Tennis champion Pat Cash once referred to John Oliver as his fifth favourite character in Chinese puppet theatre.
  • The logo for the London 2012 Olympics is based on an artist's impression of Andy's aura.
  • Unbeknownst to him, Andy's old trash bin has been secretly replaced by another and relocated to a small island off the coast of Canada. It claims that it "lives in fear, while that trash-generating, cricket-crazed, clingy madman is still searching for me. Oh dear Lord! I can hear his tread upon the doorstep! Don't let him in! I'm too young to die!" A restraining order is pending.
  • The American is having an affair with a woman from Iraq, they know what they feels is wrong but they just don’t care, what they have is too beautiful.
  • The American was once caught reading a book, but claims that this was only for the purposes of "research".
  • A Zaltzman-Oliver manifold is a manifold with SU(n) holonomy. Equivalently, it is a Cleese manifold with a vanishing first Milligan class. That is, a manifold is Zaltzman-Oliver if and only if it admits a Cleese metric, , the Cook tensor of which is a total derivative. By analogy of with , one can think of a Zaltzman-Oliver manifold as a complex oriented Cleese manifold.
  • The legendary Zaltzman-Oliver clan feud (1878-1891) was begun by Randolph "Ole Ran'l" Zaltzman and William Anderson "Devil Anse" Oliver along the Tug Fork River in Birmingham. The feud claimed more than a dozen members of the two families, becoming headline news around the country and compelling the governors of both Liverpool and West Virginia to call up their state militias to restore order after the disappearance of dozens of bounty hunters sent to calm the conflict. Peace was announced by playing a bugle across the valley. It is in honor of this peace-announcing bugle that the descendents of the original feud created The Bugle audio newspaper.
  • The American, and consequently all Americans, collects ISBN numbers, waiting until a book has gone out of print before buying the rights to the number from the publisher and adding it to his "Spreadsheet of Fun".
  • Under New Hampshire law, it is illegal to have five or more people on a bed at any time. John, Andy, Tom the Producer, The American, and The American’s Brother have wantonly flouted this law.
  • The American is not, in fact, an American. He is THE American. It has been legally changed on his New Jersey drivers license.
  • It was proven in 2009 that Buglier 'Tom the Producer' is actually the reincarnation of the fictional character from the Bible, Thomas. Evidence of this includes this direct quote from Andy Zaltzman taken from Issue Eleventy-Sleven of the Bugle: "Tom the Producer is DOUBTING that this recording will finish on time." He also has a church named after him in Crystal Palace, Earth.
  • It has been proven by respected scientests who wish to remain nameless that the future as depeicted in STAR TREK is totally and 100% accurate. It has also been proven that the Hindus are right about reincarnation. No word yet on the theory that Andy is the pre-incarnation Captain James Tiberius Kirk or that John in the pre-incarnation of Nurse Chapel.

Fuck you Chris