The Bugle Wiki

llSuch was the response by Buglers to fill the Andy Zaltzman Memorial Misinformation Page with lies that the list became so large that it has become necessary to split up the entries into categories. This is not simply because the page became too big for some individuals to properly edit or view, but also because it would eventually get to the point where those people who foolishly try to read the whole list in one sitting would find their heads melting, Raiders of the Lost Ark style. (This has been independently verified to be true by experts).

The following is the list contains all of the lies from the main page that deals with both Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver. Please continue to add to it, if you feel so inclined. (As long as you recognize that by doing so you have sworn a blood-oath to support Andy and John in their quest for wikiworld domination)

  • A frustrated would-be physician whose hair was too unruly and germ-ridden to be brought into the sanitary environment of the hospital, Andy has convinced John (whose interests in psychiatry are reflected in his loongtime fascination with Kim Jong-Il and Mahmoud Ahmedinejad) to start a medical spin-off called Doctor Bugle wherein they will discuss medical conditions of great world concern such as:
    • Spontaneous combustion (talk about Hotties from History!)
    • Rectocranial inversion (things are always looking up)
    • Conkus of the Bonkus
    • Anaconda-is-about-to-bite-my-spleen-out Syndrome (AIATBMSOS)
    • Nasal Corkscrew Entrapment Syndrome
    • Pun-cture wounds, Pun-stules and Pun-creatitis
  • John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman are not the funniest podcasters on the Internet. They are the funniest podcasters in the world.

HELP! Andy trapped me in a computer while John distracted me with biscuits! (Custard Creams i'm not a slut)

  • John Oliver suffers from Jewfro Envy, while Andy Zaltzman suffers from Foreskin Envy.
  • Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver were the only men ever to share the honorific of "Sexiest Man Alive" as bestowed by the RSFTPACORSITHM (Royal Society for the Proliferation And Certification of Relative Sexiness in the Human Male) until they accidentally tore the traditional trophy in twain during an argument over which Atlantic coast should serve as mantelpiece for the Bugle virtual household.
  • Contrary to what we have been led to believe, John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman are not British comedians. John Oliver is actually a giant talking cuckoo clock and Andy Zaltzman is the reanimated corpse of former Vice President Spiro T. Agnew in a clown wig.
  • Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver were both members of short-lived indie band It’s A Boy! (playing drums and lead guitar respectively), along with singer Mark Johnson and bassist John Smith. Their debut single “I Like To Dance (With You)” was released on independent record label Young and Lost Club; however it failed to sell out its limited press of 500. The band decided to call it a day with a chaotic live show at Camden venue The Enterprise, during which Zaltzman set fire to his drum kit before throwing it into the sell-out crowd. The fate of Johnson and Smith is unknown.
  • Andy Zaltzman is running for President in 2008, ignoring the fact that one has to be an American in order to do so. At the same time John Oliver is desperately trying to become Queen.
  • Both John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman are skilled poets, specialising in iambic pentameter. Zaltzman frequently switches to trochaic foot, while Oliver is known to throw meter out the window entirely, except when plagiarizing early '90s rap artists.
  • Andy Zaltzman fancies himself an excellent source of protein. John Oliver has been overheard many times confirming that Zaltzman indeed contains far more than the daily recommended allowance of vitamins and minerals, particularly Vitamin D and Magnesium.
  • John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman first met when both were professional wrestlers in the South Lancashire Regional Extreme Professional wrestling Federation. Zaltzman was already well established in the sport as 'Randy Andy Man of Steel' 48 time super featherweight champ when a young Oliver going by the name Johnasaurus Rex began his fighting career. The two met becoming instant friends and formed the most successful tag team South Lancashire had ever seen. Unfortunately tragedy struck as Andy fell to a serious pelvic injury sustained while doing his trademark celebration after beating his old rival George 'the impala' Clooney, which explains his hatred of the animal and the movie Oceans Eleven. After he was told he would never wrestle again Andy spiralled into depression spending weeks on a suicidal binge of heroin, alcohol and twenty20 cricket. John, concerned for his friend and lover, quit the bright lights of the Lancashire wrestling scene and coaxed his friend back to sobriety using their mutual love of satirical comedy, promising Andy that when he was clean they would have their very own political based comedy podcast. Andy using his passion for satire and love for John pulled himself together and the rest as they say is geography.
  • It is impossible to see both John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman through the same mirror at the same time.
  • In a secret group therapy session, John and Andy were asked to write their pet peeves about each other on paper plates. John wrote "When Andy drinks mead out of a goat skull" and Andy wrote "John's penchant for pooping on the furniture".
  • John and Andy were recently invited on a quail-hunting trip with Dick Cheney.
  • John and Andy met at a hot dog eating tournament four years ago, they were both competing head to head, (being the only ones to successfully down 46 hot dogs!) until someone in the crowd, turned on their radio. It just so happened that President Bush was giving a speech at the time, and it came through the radio speakers... This prompted Johns reflex of repeatedly banging his head on the table incapacitating him near immediately. Andy took this opportunity to wolf down 3 more hot dogs winning the competition earning him a 20 dollar gift card to any purchase of 200 dollars or more at his local Wal-Mart. John and Andy became friends soon after but John secretly holds a grudge, feeling that he should have won the competition, in the solitude of his own home John vowed revenge. John is eagerly awaiting the moment in which he can finally slip something into Andy's tea and once again reclaim the title of "Hot Dog Eating Champion"
  • Neither Andy, nor John has any fingers left. They both lost them in simultaneous but apparently unrelated incidents involving cats, mayonnaise, a DVD case, three copies of "Oranges Aren't The Only Fruit" and a 9 Volt battery. Much speculation exists as to the level of coincidence required for this occurrence, but Andy and John remain tight lipped over the incidents. They both employ a team of highly trained marmosets to type everything they say.
  • "RaRaRaRaRaRaRaRaRaRaRaRaRa": John Oliver’s words while drunkenly slating Andy for his terrible Sarah Palin impersonation
  • While it is known that John is of samurai descent, fewer people know that Andy is of ninja descent. Andy stills retains his family ninja skills and always uses them to sneak out during passover dinner and reappear in Elijah's chair to shock his family.
  • Many people see John Oliver as the second coming of Jesus H. Christ and Andy Zaltzman as Judas.
  • John was raised by woolly mammoths in the frozen wastelands of North Dakota. Andy Zaltzman discovered him on one of his many sabre-tooth hunting expeditions, bringing him back to civilization and teaching him the ways of the British. However, John began to suffer homesickness and separation anxiety, since he missed his little penguin friends. Andy allowed him to move to New York so that he could more easily keep in touch with his original family. They all plan to move to England during the next Ice Age.
  • Andy Zaltzman is a rare retrovirus that, inserted into a mouse’s biceps, causes the mouse to grow an extra set of legs. These six-legged mice also develop a keen aversion to checkerboards and anything else that resembles a crossword board. Incidentally, the John Oliver bacterium causes these mice to squeak “BOOM!” in a high-pitched and barely audible voice whenever they hear someone make a joke about John McCain. Also, the mice glow after being exposed to UV radiation.
  • John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman count as one of your five a day.
  • John and Andy agree on a safeword to use when the Hotties from History section gets out of control. Their current safeword is casserole.
  • John and Andy used to be practicing polygamists until they accidentally married the same woman. The two chose "bros over hos," and have been best friends ever since.
  • Every Chuck Norris joke on the internet originally featured either Andy Zaltzman or John Oliver; they will never discuss it in public.
  • Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver were the major Antipopes in the 1407 Pope Martin V confusion. The matter was only settled when Martin won a technical knockout in the 7th round of the contest, taking on both Zaltzman and Oliver with only a metal chair and a pointed hat.
  • Andy and John were once pirates serving on the same ship. John has been variously described by shipmates as "swarthy", "swashbuckling", "slim", "manly", and "I would totally be gay if he was, too". Andy has been described by his shipmates as "who?" and "What, the slightly effeminate one? Or is that Jack Sparrow? Oh no, wait, Jack Sparrow's fictional. So yeah, the slightly effeminate one." They swashed and buckled their way through various adventures, eventually landing themselves in a spot of trouble (i.e.. about to be scalped) with the King of Pangaea. They promised that they would never lift another sabre or swig another cup of grog if they were let go with their scalps attached. After returning to their home country of England, they realized that they didn't actually like being pirates, but had no other way of making a living. After drifting from one town to another, they discovered that people gave them money when they told jokes. Thus, they slid sideways into the travelling comedian profession. John was pulled away from his passion by a lucrative job offer in America, which lacked a sense of humour. Though he enjoyed his new job, he sorely missed paling around with his friend, so they started the Bugle as a way to relive the old times.
  • John and Andy frequently call Hillary Clinton at 3 a.m. just to taunt her about her failed campaign.
  • John and Andy are being forced to record The Bugle for community service hours after they were arrested for violating public nudity codes at a car wash.
  • John and Andy are exact anti-particles of each other, if the two were to make physical contact reality itself could disintegrate.
  • John and Andy created their own version of Scrabble where to win, you have to spell "The Bugle" in all directions on the board. It's popular in Siberia.
  • John Oliver is the actual culprit behind the sinking of the USS Maine. Andy had cornered him the munitions storeroom with the printed copy of the Audio Cryptic Crossword and to escape this fate, John heroically destroyed the ship and both started the Spanish American War and saved the world from another clue. The lives lost in this conflict will not have been in vain so long as Andy does not resurrect the Audio Cryptic Crossword.
  • John Oliver is actually Andy Zaltzman from a parallel universe who changed his name to prevent confusion. He crossed over into this universe in order to record The Bugle with himself.
  • Harry Potter is actually based on the university exploits of John, Andy, and Andy's wife. John wears glasses and has slightly messy black hair, Andy has red hair and Andy's wife is a lawyer. 'Nuff said. The parallels are uncanny.
  • John Oliver defended Andy Zaltzman in a Newcastle court of law in 2001 against charges of repeated sexual harrassment. Unfortunately he lost, as Andy was also the prosecutor, representing himself.
  • Andy Zaltzman has been busy collaberating with Starck in the design and manufacturing of the BugleMan. A reclining chair that will be in the shops for Valentines day. John Oliver is supposedly furious as the BugleMan was his idea.
  • John Performed Andy's second sex-change surgery, but it quickly got too sexual, and the coast guard had to step in.
  • In reality John and Andy are the two testicles in the facial scrotum-sack of a giant mystical space-walrus called The Great Wahooni, he who dances in the winds of time.
  • The combined body mass of Andy and John has never been worked out. Fact!
  • Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver won a gold medal in the 1996 Sex Olympics, out lasting their closest rivals by a staggering 486 hours, 35 minutes and 13 seconds a record that still stands today!
  • Andy and John have never actually met. Any reference to a friendship of any sort between the two is entirely made up for the purposes of The Bugle.
  • It was John’s crummy gift advice to Barack Obama (25 crummy DVDs for Gordon Brown) that caused such a furor in Britland. Andy’s suggestion to Gordon Brown for a pen holder made from Florence Nightingale’s coffin was rejected and later modified.
  • Andy and John cannot write, speak or laugh in English. However, they are both fluent in broken English.
  • John and Andy have legal heartbreaker status in Canada and parts of eastern europe.
  • The former super-continent, Pangaea, claims that its split was due to the combined powers of Andy and John, though both Zaltzman and Oliver maintain that it was the result of geographic changes and artistic differences.
  • John and Andy co-wrote the lyrics (Andy, acting alone, wrote the music) to the noted song Dschinghis Khan, performed by noted band Dschinghis Khan at the noted 1979 Eurovision Song Contest:

Eurovision 1979 - Germany

Disappointed that the song finished only ninth -- behind such forgettable hits as Switzerland's "Trödler und Co" and Monaco's deadly "Notre vie c'est la musique" (remembered for sending several audience members into unexpected but totally predictable cardiac arrest) -- Andy became so incensed that he proceeded to bite his seat cushion to bits. For eighteen years, he toiled behind closed doors in a laboratory so secret that even he had no idea where it was or what to do once he got there. Somehow, though, in 2007, Andy (known by then to the world as "Ukraine" released his horrifically putrid revenge:


Eurovision 2007 - Ukraine

No one but the Slovenians seemed to get terribly worked up about it, though. To console Andy, John (under a clever pseudonym) nominated Ghengis Khan for the Hotties in History segment. Andy was not consoled.

  • Andy Zaltzman once tried to kill John Oliver by overloading his headphones with bullshit. The attempt failed but was very popular with many buglers and now Andy is actively trying to kill him every episode to appease the fans.
  • Andy and John work out every day. Andy can bench 350, but John can bench 1560, thus proving he is the superior human being.
  • In 1943 both John and Andy were convicted of left-handedness, which was criminalized in 1288 by then Ruler-of-the-Galaxy and ex-US president Herbert Hoover. They were sentenced to 87 gazillion years in a secret penal colony on Mars, where they bunk with an Acacia tree, Moses, a snow leopard, 3 yellow-spotted Amazonian poison-dart frogs, H from Steps, 47 pebbles of varying sizes, Herbert Hoover and a small piece of chocolate called Kevin. It is rumoured that Andy is due to be released on parole next year for good behaviour, though he swears no knowledge of any such.

Fuck you Chris