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Alice: Well that is—that is all we have time for for our top feature of the weekend magazine right now because of course now it’s time for your letters to the editor. Your letters to the editor now. Remember you can send a letter to the editor—

Tom: This is my least favourite part of the show Alice, I should say, just to make it clear. This has been the absolute lowlight of every bleeping episode, hearing from these goddamn idiots out there who listen to this show.

Alice: Look, we gotta stay part of the conversation, Tom Ballard. It’s what’s required of us by the people upstairs. And by that I mean the Greek Pantheon. [Tom laughs]

“Dear Alice and esteemed Guest,”

Alice: That’s you today, Tom.

Tom: Hello.

“I’m trying to get ready for next year’s sci-fi convention by creating my cosplay of D’Ancey LaGuarde’s tormented half-vampire half-rodeo clown Xavier Mooseburger, but I can’t find any art that depicts him. The airport bookstores are all closed so I can’t get my hands on a physical copy of the book. And Amazon and other book sellers do not seem to display LaGuarde’s cover art. Could you please describe the cover of the most recent book for me so I know where to begin with this outfit and especially how many ruffles to put on the cowboy hat that plays such a steamy role in Chapter 8?

“Literarily yours and Good Luck to You Christopher,

“Brian”

Alice: Now, Tom, you would know this cover very well. It was on our bookshelf when we lived together.

Tom: Of course.

Alice: Would you like to—would you like to describe the cover of—of course it was the 2004 cover we’re talking about.

Tom: Well, it’s very kind of you to offer, Alice, but I know that this is your favourite book cover of all time. You’re always ranting about this book cover. I can’t get you to shut up about this book cover, if anything, so I’ll let you do the honours.

Alice: So of course, as you know in this particular book with Xavier Mooseburger, it’s set in the Wild West and he is half-vampire half-rodeo clown. He’s a day walker vampire so he can go out and do his rodeo clowning by daylight unlike the other vampires. And the lady—

Tom: Just to clarify, are there rodeo clowns in the Wild West? Or are we mixing the south of America today as we may know it when people entertain each other by bucking up a ball from hats and the time of cowboys?

Alice: No, no, this is an essential part of the Wild West. If my Twitter stream has taught me nothing during this coronavirus crisis is that comedians and artists are important even in the most extreme circumstances and that people should keep giving us money via our Patreons and Ko-Fi links.

Tom: I understand, sorry, do go on.

Alice: A lady in, you know, classic Wild West ruffled dress is sort of swooning under the hooves of a large rearing bull while Xavier Mooseburger pops out of—

Tom: She’s under the hoof? Literally the bull is like crushing her into the ground with its hooves? Or no, she’s cowering? It’s like rising up?

Alice: If you remember the plot of the novel he saves her from under the hooves so he’s rearing—the bull is rearing.

Tom: I don’t know why I’m asking you though, I've read the book and I’ve seen the cover, so it’s weird that I’m asking you these questions, but sorry, carry on.

Alice: So the bull is rearing as bulls do and she is sort of swooning with a bit of boob coming out on the left-hand side. A very sort of—

Tom: She’s swooning at the bull? She’s sexually attracted to the bull? Is that what you’re saying?

Alice: No, no, no, she’s swooning beneath the bull out of fear and Xavier Mooseburger is popping out of the barrel with full clown makeup [Tom laughs], button down shirt like half unbuttoned so you get a hint of his lovingly oiled pectoral muscles and just above the edge of the barrel is the tip of his erect penis.

Tom: Woah!

Alice: And of course that was censored in some regions—

Tom: This was the cover that made me gay. I remember this now. [Alice laughs] I saw this cover, I thought, “Bleep I love cock. I can’t be with Alice anymore. Get out of my life, you bitch.” I remember that, of course. This, this book was important to our relationship.  

Alice: Yeah, deeply important. I’m wondering why you’re having such trouble remembering and I guess it must have been wiped out by—

Tom: Lot of meth, lot of meth, as I’ve said, lot of meth. [Alice laughs]

Alice: And congratulations for re-completing your full set of teeth after that period.

Tom: Thank you.

Alice: Thank you so much for sending in your letter Brian. I hope that description helps you. If not, we’ll post it up on our social media, our classic classic social media that we definitely have. That’s all the time we have for for letters to the editor. Remember you can send a letter to the editor at thelastpost@somethinelse.com. 

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Transcriber's note: The title of the book was never mentioned during the course of the episode.[]
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