The Bugle Wiki

During the 15th century, bins suffered severe persecution at the hands of religious and sanitation zealots who sought to blame the trash and rubbish receptacles for the problems befalling European mankind. Famine, pestilence, ridiculous garments and appalling personal hygiene were all attributed to bins and they suffered mightily for man's ignorance. It is considered one of the darkest chapters in in human history, with regards to bins.

In the mid-1400s, Europe was awash with reports of demonic activities involving bins, including reports of flying bins, bins magically appearing in the middle of fields, bins transforming themselves into cows, and bins transforming themselves into entirely different bins. One report in 1447 told of a bin that assumed the form of the lord of the small French village Saumane-de-Vaucluse and oversaw day-to-day operations for several years until the real lord escaped from a locked tower.

In 1488, Pope Innocent announced that German bins were consorting with the devil and performing various satanic acts. In a report to the pope, two friars published the "malleus quisquiliarum" or "hammer of trashbins" which detailed alleged acts of depravity and witchcraft by trashbins. In one passage, the friars wrote, "And what are we to make of trashbins that are overflowing with the leavings and discards of the residents of the village and yet by daybreak are devoid of any wastes of man. This be witchcraft, clear and true." They, however, completely forgot about the trash collector who had been hired to empty the bins every evening. In an ironic twist, the report was glossed over by the pope and tossed in a nearby trashbin. The bin was then accused of plotting against the bin and immediately put to death.

With the arrival of the mid-1500s, bin persecution reached an all-time high with nearly 80,000 bins put to death, or as near to death as an inanimate trash receptacle can be subjected. In one year in Como, Italy, more than 500 bins were burned at the stake. The remains were disposed of in other non-satanic bins.

Often, the bins were put to death alongside their lifelong companions, the impala armed forces. It was this terrible injustice that compelled them to commence military action against the people of the world. The grandfather podcast of the Bugle, the Wheezy Trumpet, is blamed for exacerbating the ideological conflict, which led to the prime target of the Confederacy being the Bugle.

Fuck you Chris